another october anniversary
Oct. 6th, 2024 11:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
doodlemancyon october 6th, 2022, i got a bilateral salpingectomy. content warning: body/medical stuff and i'm a little mean about babies (not that mean, they're literally babies) (this is not a safe space for the uterus though. this is a uterus-hating space)
that's when, if you are amongst those cursed with the Unholy Hell Organ that is the uterus, you have your fallopian tubes removed, so no sneaky little eggs can travel down them anymore and get fertilized and get you pregnant. i had started pursuing it in earnest after the Dobbs decision (fuck the supreme court; i hope hell is real and every single power-hungry freak who's ever been on SCOTUS goes there, without exception, even the "liberal" ones are unaccountable tyrants and might as well be royalty. we should be throwing tea into harbors about it).
as soon as i was old enough to understand the vague concept of parenthood, i never wanted it. never liked being around babies (no offense babies, but you're extremely loud and deeply stressful) or small children (same, small children. sorry. talk to me when you can poop by yourself and not start crying every 12 minutes). the sound of babies and toddlers screeching in public has always made me want to claw out my eardrums and maybe my brain. i had always resented my fertility and the weird sexist expectations that came with it. when i still sort of believed in God, i had prayed to him regularly to please never make me pregnant (back when i had been told "god decides when you get pregnant" as a child). i don't "hate children" and i don't look down on parents (good ones, at least) but i don't have the temperament to take care of kids, i never have, and this seemed unlikely to change. i spent all of my teens dodging babysitting jobs. i am at a "consider running out a target emergency door because i can't escape this screaming child fast enough" level of misophonia re: child screeches.
time after time, i was told this would change. i was told that once i reached my 30s, my "biological clock" would take over and give me baby fever eventually. it's different when they're your own. you'll meet the right person and you'll want it so desperately. it seems at best rare for people to say things of this nature to people who say they want babies. no one ever questions whether they want to give up that much of their free time, whether they really think they have the ability to raise a child to adulthood, whether they're sure they're with the right partner, whether the baby fever is just a temporary hormonal thing, what they'll do if they find out they hate and resent parenting. and with good reason-- those are dick questions to ask. that's nobody's business, really. but for some reason it's culturally acceptable to pester, mock, minimize and degrade people who know that they don't want children.
i was incredibly lucky. the first obgyn i went to was 100% accommodating. i had this long printed list of reasons i didn't want children, well-considered over days (and years before) that i was ready to present. 90% of my experiences with doctors have involved being pushed around and not listened to, so i was ready to put up a fight. instead, in a rare moment of Doctors Being Good, my choices were validated.
i put up the words "NO BABIES EVER" in gold letter balloons on my wall. i bought a party crown to wear, and a cake, which i embellished with sugar letters spelling out "IT'S A NO".
i'll always relish the memory of waking up and knowing that it was done-- it was over-- and now when people needle me about children, i can tell them that i'm sterile, and when they start apologizing i can tell them oh no, don't worry, it was on purpose. few things in my life have tasted better than the ice chips and jello and saltine crackers they gave me. (oh my god i was so hungry FASTING OVERNIGHT SUCKS SO BAD)
unfortunately, i do still have the Hell Organ. i wish i'd been able to get rid of it too. but i do find it funny when it's spewing blood at me like "YOU DIDN'T HAVE A BABY AGAIN! HERE'S ALL THIS BLOOD YOU WASTED" and i'm like haha you will never fulfill your dire purpose. you are a useless bag of hatred and knives and misery and someday you will shut down and everything you did to me will be meaningless. you struggle for nothing. you bleed for no cause. haha owned
it was an easy recovery and i was back on my feet within a few days. i wish i could solve every problem in my life so easily. i am a huge advocate for the bilateral salpingectomy. it is Not A Big Deal, it doesn't fuck with your hormones, it prevents cancer (a lot of cancer starts in the fallopian tubes), and it quite solidly solves the problem forever. the only really painful part of the experience was walking up my apartment stairs afterward, and that was still pretty bearable.
people tell me i will be sad. that i will regret this. we'll see. i don't think i'll ever regret taking charge of my own body, and even if i do, better to regret that choice that than to regret giving birth. much, much better to maybe get sad someday than to make a child sad for life by not being able to be a good parent. i haven't changed my mind. i've been very consistent about this, as long as i can remember, and i expect that to continue.
every once in a while, i remember that i have fortified my body against one of the worst things i can imagine and i get very giddy. it's not often you get the chance to just erase a problem from your life entirely. a rare victory against my eternal enemy, the horrible, misbehaved meat robot my consciousness is trapped in. you can do chronic pain. you can do mental illness. but you can't do pregnancy, you fuckin' turd, and i'm gonna celebrate that every year for the rest of my life.
that's when, if you are amongst those cursed with the Unholy Hell Organ that is the uterus, you have your fallopian tubes removed, so no sneaky little eggs can travel down them anymore and get fertilized and get you pregnant. i had started pursuing it in earnest after the Dobbs decision (fuck the supreme court; i hope hell is real and every single power-hungry freak who's ever been on SCOTUS goes there, without exception, even the "liberal" ones are unaccountable tyrants and might as well be royalty. we should be throwing tea into harbors about it).
as soon as i was old enough to understand the vague concept of parenthood, i never wanted it. never liked being around babies (no offense babies, but you're extremely loud and deeply stressful) or small children (same, small children. sorry. talk to me when you can poop by yourself and not start crying every 12 minutes). the sound of babies and toddlers screeching in public has always made me want to claw out my eardrums and maybe my brain. i had always resented my fertility and the weird sexist expectations that came with it. when i still sort of believed in God, i had prayed to him regularly to please never make me pregnant (back when i had been told "god decides when you get pregnant" as a child). i don't "hate children" and i don't look down on parents (good ones, at least) but i don't have the temperament to take care of kids, i never have, and this seemed unlikely to change. i spent all of my teens dodging babysitting jobs. i am at a "consider running out a target emergency door because i can't escape this screaming child fast enough" level of misophonia re: child screeches.
time after time, i was told this would change. i was told that once i reached my 30s, my "biological clock" would take over and give me baby fever eventually. it's different when they're your own. you'll meet the right person and you'll want it so desperately. it seems at best rare for people to say things of this nature to people who say they want babies. no one ever questions whether they want to give up that much of their free time, whether they really think they have the ability to raise a child to adulthood, whether they're sure they're with the right partner, whether the baby fever is just a temporary hormonal thing, what they'll do if they find out they hate and resent parenting. and with good reason-- those are dick questions to ask. that's nobody's business, really. but for some reason it's culturally acceptable to pester, mock, minimize and degrade people who know that they don't want children.
i was incredibly lucky. the first obgyn i went to was 100% accommodating. i had this long printed list of reasons i didn't want children, well-considered over days (and years before) that i was ready to present. 90% of my experiences with doctors have involved being pushed around and not listened to, so i was ready to put up a fight. instead, in a rare moment of Doctors Being Good, my choices were validated.
i put up the words "NO BABIES EVER" in gold letter balloons on my wall. i bought a party crown to wear, and a cake, which i embellished with sugar letters spelling out "IT'S A NO".
i'll always relish the memory of waking up and knowing that it was done-- it was over-- and now when people needle me about children, i can tell them that i'm sterile, and when they start apologizing i can tell them oh no, don't worry, it was on purpose. few things in my life have tasted better than the ice chips and jello and saltine crackers they gave me. (oh my god i was so hungry FASTING OVERNIGHT SUCKS SO BAD)
unfortunately, i do still have the Hell Organ. i wish i'd been able to get rid of it too. but i do find it funny when it's spewing blood at me like "YOU DIDN'T HAVE A BABY AGAIN! HERE'S ALL THIS BLOOD YOU WASTED" and i'm like haha you will never fulfill your dire purpose. you are a useless bag of hatred and knives and misery and someday you will shut down and everything you did to me will be meaningless. you struggle for nothing. you bleed for no cause. haha owned
it was an easy recovery and i was back on my feet within a few days. i wish i could solve every problem in my life so easily. i am a huge advocate for the bilateral salpingectomy. it is Not A Big Deal, it doesn't fuck with your hormones, it prevents cancer (a lot of cancer starts in the fallopian tubes), and it quite solidly solves the problem forever. the only really painful part of the experience was walking up my apartment stairs afterward, and that was still pretty bearable.
people tell me i will be sad. that i will regret this. we'll see. i don't think i'll ever regret taking charge of my own body, and even if i do, better to regret that choice that than to regret giving birth. much, much better to maybe get sad someday than to make a child sad for life by not being able to be a good parent. i haven't changed my mind. i've been very consistent about this, as long as i can remember, and i expect that to continue.
every once in a while, i remember that i have fortified my body against one of the worst things i can imagine and i get very giddy. it's not often you get the chance to just erase a problem from your life entirely. a rare victory against my eternal enemy, the horrible, misbehaved meat robot my consciousness is trapped in. you can do chronic pain. you can do mental illness. but you can't do pregnancy, you fuckin' turd, and i'm gonna celebrate that every year for the rest of my life.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-06 02:39 pm (UTC)FUCK YEAH!!!!
no subject
Date: 2024-10-07 04:42 am (UTC)I believe people when they say "It's different when it's your kid". I'm sure if I accidentally had a kid I'd love them and find the best in them and like... never be able to imagine my life without them?
but like lol NEVER NEED TO FIND OUT I bet I could MOVE TO EUROPE or GET A HORSE or IDK!!! that doesn't make it NOT a supermassive decision and even if I'd make the best out of the situation I'm pretty sure I like what I got going on right now!! and free time!!! and ability to be creative! Am I missing something? Maybe! But I don't gotta know what I'm missing! I'm missing out on experiences all the time already, it's fine!! 😿
Anyways hell yeah, POWER MOVE.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-07 05:29 pm (UTC)but you can't miss what you've never had! and i would DEFINITELY miss having time and energy for my own creative pursuits. and yeah it's so weird when people treat it like it's just something you can try out loosey-goosey. like i cannot count the number of times i've seen people be like "you'll never know what it's like until you try it!" like okay but i can say that about literally anything terrifying and life-changing. i also don't really want to go to space either. i hear it's cool. not into it. toilet situation up there is real busted.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-07 10:48 pm (UTC)YEAH I think some happier parents think you don't believe them and it's like NO I BELIEVE YOU IF ANYTHING IT MAKES IT EVEN SCARIER like yes the natural drive to make more people will keep me going, even as my life craters into the ground! that sounds great!!! ðŸ«
no subject
Date: 2024-10-08 01:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-10-08 02:22 pm (UTC)high five! i'm getting mine done in a couple weeks! i remember you talking about it before (on cohost probably) and between that and rosalarian's old comic about it, it really strengthened my resolve to just do it. baby machine closed FOREVER!!!! (i'm getting my IUD replaced at the same time anyway since it helps manage my PCOS)
i'm also not looking forward to the overnight fast...my appointment is at 7:30 AM so hopefully i'll be too tired to be hungry lol
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 05:23 am (UTC)